I've spent the last ten years or so pretending to be an adult. Even going to the extreme lengths of having a baby and buying a house to convince you all that I am, in fact, a responsible grown up. Now as my 30th birthday approaches, I think its time to come clean.
I, Emma Coogan, am a 16 year old masquerading as an adult. And I had you all tricked didn't I?!
But if you look closely (past the wrinkles), you can see the signs of my enduring youth.
The panic etched on my face as I prepare to buy alcohol: rehearsing my date of birth and star sign - just in case they ask. Then feeling as if I've gotten away with something when they usher me in without a second look. Eh hello? Don't you realise I'm underage and about to drink myself into an oblivion because I've yet to realise the one that's too many?
When using public transport I head straight for the back seats. Because that's were all the cool kids sit obvz.
Every time I go out for dinner, I order burger and chips. No matter the restaurant, setting or occasion, all I want is a burger drowned in ketchup.
(This should really be 3a) When at home, I enjoy beans on toast or boiled egg and soldiers.
I refer to my apartment as 'The Club House'.
I live in fear of my Mam giving out to me for spending too much money on clothes or going out and when I step back into her house I automatically revert back to teenage mode, expecting her to make me tea and tidy up after me.
And that constant teenager/first-job feeling of ‘I have no idea what I'm doing’ and 'It’s only a matter of time before I’m found out'
Let’s not mention how long it takes me to respond to 'Mama'. It always takes a couple of moments before I realise I am in fact the Mama she is referring to. Eek. Or if a child calls me Lady or Woman. "That Lady"...Huh? What lady? Me? Nah.
My conversations revolve more around Sabrina The Teenage Witch than current affairs.
I don't understand taxes or politics and worry more about what my theme tune should be rather than my pension.
My playlists consist of Hanson, Sisqo and mid-90s Celine Dion.
I enjoy hopskotch, jigsaws, swings and making up dance routines.
At toddler group the other day I noticed my outfit (dungarees) matched more of the kids than it did the parents.
And when I hear Jamie talking business, I'm like...'Wow..such a grown up'.
Part of me is just waiting for that day I wake up caring about politics, but for now I'm happy out being a teenage mom. If I could just convince my parents to pay and cook for me, I would be sorted.
So, I guess I’m turning thirty but really.. 16 4eva. XOXO